and I'm so sorry, I cannot sleep, cannot dream tonight

So finally, I have employment.
It only takes months of searching and endless application peppered with interruptions by school and my life.
But the good Lord has finally smiled upon and granted me a job.
I'm optimistic, hoping I'll enjoy it. Its at the student union, so that's cool.
It will at least help me start off the new year better. A new year, time to put the past behind me.
As this has been one of the roughest years of my life. I feel like I have nothing to complain about and like the world was ripped from my hands all at once. This year things were quite shaken up.
I lost a cousin, which wasn't so bad on me, he was so distant, but he was pretty cool all the same.
For my uncle and cousins, I can't imagine how they feel.
The real drama for me has been the lose of my grandmother. Loss is never easy for anyone, especially with their sweet grandparents, but mine was especially bitter.
She was a woman I lived with for at least 16 years of my life and that I took for granted nearly every day.

I was hardly ever as respectful as I should've been and was told this often by my family who I never paid any mind to, I just kept treating her the same. I'm so sorry for this now, she deserved the opposite of how I treated her. She pretty much allowed me to have the life I had.
No one wanted my mom to live with my grandma and mooch off her for years, but we did. She never would of had it any other way. She made my life. Her and my mom.
They've done so much for me that I've taken for granted. Now that my grandma is gone, I can't believe how much I miss her. Bursts of emotion hit me at off hand moments and I have to fight off tears. Like now, but I'm losing the fight. If she can see this, I'm sorry for how I was, so disrespectful and unappreciative of all you gave me...a crack at a fair and good life, a life my mom could never afford. Thank you so much and I'm sorry that I wasn't there more. You were a god send and I never realized it.
I miss you.

I worry about my mom all the time now, I would just crack if anything happened to her.
I nearly cracked near the of last year, I was ready to run. I was looking up ticket prices to get to Florida, I wanted out. A small part of me still does, out of where and to where, I don't know but just a change. A huge change if I could.
But, I can't. This is the life I have and there is nothing I can do but bear it and attempt to enjoy the good stuff and swallow the bad the best that I can.
Being ripped from my lovely home on 271st was also hard on me. I feel like such a floater, with no real place to go. Half my family is back home, my mom is in West Virginia.
Everything is just crazy. Although, it always has been. What has ever made sense?
Nothing I suppose, but it seemed to. It was awful and beautiful, sane and lunacy.
I miss it.
I miss my home, I miss my family and seeing people every day.
I miss the structure of life and having dinner with my family.
I miss my grandmother and how we used to play when I was young.
I fear for my mother and her future and our future as a family.
Everyone is to easily at odds and I wish it didn't have to be that way, they want to fight over nothing.

I really don't know where I am going with this, but I needed to write something.
Its lingered over me for a while.

I sit here, alone, in my dorm and feel alone, not only physically but deeper. I feel a certain lacking and an amount of disconnect. The winter only exacerbates these feelings of being cut off.
Everyone is so far away and the weather keeps them there.
The internet is the only one who can hear my thoughts because they're too deep to tell anyone else like I am now.
I reveal a little at a time to people, but this is the whole story, whether you realize it or not.
I wish I had a little lady to tell my stuff to, I wish I had someone to be with when my emotions get to hard for me to handle. I don't know how to get to that person though, but out there she may be. I talk to girls a little at a time, sometimes hoping something will come of it, but never knowing.
People want to push me into things, and so does the world, with all of us, but I want them to happen naturally. I just want to meet someone and understand them and them understand me, then go some where with them. I don't want to meet someone then attempt to awkwardly forge a relationship out of it.

One of the last things my grandmother said to me before I left to go back to school was that I never listen. She was talking about the fact that I don't listen to her when I go outside unprepared for the weather and then get a cough, but maybe there is more to that.
I don't listen and I listen to myself. I, honestly, do not know how to do otherwise.
Maybe if I gave the world a chance, I would be somewhere else.
Perhaps not, I really don't know.

Open the glovebox, reach inside...

Does traffic piss anyone else off to no end? Today I was driving through a 35 and I don't know how fast I was going because there was two people in front of me, so they regulated my speed. The guy who was leading us however was, apparently, not going fast enough for guy number two who was doing the little back in forth in the lane thing, pissing me off to no end. Like I don't know how fast we were going but I can tell ya, it was fast enough. As soon as it turned into two lanes this guy was swerving in and out of the lanes, because he is way more important than you and me. I watched him, his urgent location was the home depot. I'll tell you what I had half a mind to follow this douche and tell him what was up, but people are crazy and so I just proceeded. I was yelling at him in my car however. Threatening to kick his ass and telling him to knock it off, even now as I write this I am getting annoyed.

I can't be the only person these dumbasses piss off.

I hear fireworks and subsequently firetrucks. I wonder if they are related. Probably not, it sounds like the firetrucks are going away as opposed to coming towards me.

I am at my dad's this weekend. I needed to get my car looked at because it is making this god awful squeaking sound that sounds like a squegee on glass or an old oven door. Its an awful noise. Its boring here, but not terrible, probably only because I know I am going back to school tomorrow. Which I am also bored with, by the way.
I decided to take a morning class, which isn't so awful but its really created the daily grind kind of feel for me, which I strongly dislike. Also I tend to stay up to late, then take long naps during the day and create the most whacked out schedule ever.

My residence hall is boring too. Everyone on my floor sucks because they never talk and keep their doors closed and give you weird looks all the time. The weird looks part may be just directed at me, but whatever. My RA is pretty sweet but hard as hell to get a hold of. I wanted to get out of Morrill Tower so badly, and part of me is glad I got out, but part of me misses it. Everybody over there is doing cool things and not telling me, like I assumed they would, so I end up missing out on crazy shenanigans. Argh!

Its only the first couple weeks though, maybe things will get better. I think they will once I get a job and create some type of normal schedule as opposed to all this floating around and free time I have now. Time does fly by fast though. I feel like I have hours worth of free time and then all of the sudden its 2 am and I haven't started studying, but haven't gotten anything else done either. I suppose that's the folly of the computer generation. Sitting on facebook, checking email, wiping out rival gang members in San Andreas. The usual. Its time consuming, but so is school and thus conflict arises, but the only real victim is my GPA, which is an inaccurate depiction of myself but unfortunately in the academic world is way more important than anything else, like your worth ethic or ability or anything.

Hooray for flawed systems!

As of late, I have developed a real probably with the university. Certain changes this year, compiled with past realizations has really gotten me down on the system. Its like "hey, you're poor but we don't care, give us more money. We'll give you less stuff and, ya know, it'll be cool" Meanwhile, every god damned light on campus is left on all night and they draw in a few mil per football game. So where the fuck is all the god damned money going? Why isn't it serving me? and why am I being charged more than last year? These are questions that arise when the systems fucked up. OSU and perhaps most major universities are businesses and that's it. The education thing, not a big deal. Sports on the other hand, which draw more money, are a huge deal. Where does the cycle end? Sports draw money, which is then reinvested in sports to draw more money and where does that put the college student and the 100year old god damned building that clearly needs repairs and updates? Who the hell cares as long as we can get that touch down against whatever fucking team were playing that weekend, that's all that matters.
College is giant scheme. Its just like bribery. You bribe a school into giving you the proper paper work so that some day you can get a job of your choosing, where you actually learn how to do shit.

Why don't we cut out the middle man, I'll just take out a $100k loan and give it all to you and you give me a degree, deal university? I just want to become a fucking cop anyhow. Fuck school, seriously.

Also, for my closing statement. Barack Obama didn't deserve the nobel peace prize and that statement has nothing at all to do with my opposition to his ideals and/or politics.

Thanks! - unless you are the university reading this, in which case, fuck you! :)

Welcome to Ohio State University.

Parent's weekend. These two words stare me grimly in the face, written on the back of the envelope before me. On an enveloped propped up on my keyboard of my broken computer. To anyone else, these may seem like two simple words, threatening enough in their own right, of course. Everyone knows what the words "parent's weekend" imply, that your parents will be visiting your school for the weekend and that you will have to take them around on a tour, go out to eat with them, go to the most awful and cheesiest school organized events ever. A bit harsh, but something anyone can handle. But to me, these words are loaded. Luckily enough, I dodge the bullet of parent's weekend, once again. With that in mind one may ask, "if he is getting out of parent's weekend, what is all this yammering on about?" Its about the fact that I am going to see Metallica. That weekend, parent's weekend, I am going to see Metallica. Again, you may think "then quit your bitching." The thing that sucks about all this is the call I am going to have to make to say "Mom, you can't come up for parent's weekend because I will be in Cleveland at a Metallica concert." After a year of being reminded how I dropped the ball last year on the parent's weekend, I have once again ruined the oppurtinity for my parent to see this fine university. That means for a whole nother year I will be getting crap about how I failed to bring her up to Columbus for parent's weekend, not only one, but two years in a row. From what I gather, my mom isn't having the greatest of times post move. Surprise surprise. Everyone knew WV was going to suck and some tried to speak up and say it, but she wouldn't listen. This was her big move. Now, shes probably miserable and, God, no, she could never admit that, admit she was wrong. So now I have to call and contribute to the disparity of the whole situation. Ruin probably what was her silver lining to her year.

So, I fucked up, but what can I do? There is no way in hell I can just eat a 60 dollar ticket. Hopefully my mother can be reasonable about that.

Well, that's that. At least, for now. I know this doesn't mean anything to anyone, but I felt like writing it out.

I know that you're leaving, you must have your reasons...

Summer '09. I wish I could put into words how I feel about this summer. No, literally, I wish i had something to say. It has been awful. I mean I have gotten to see my friends which is sweet and all, but I would just expect a little more out of a summer. Sadly, I have been looking forward to going back to school for a while now. I have gotten no job, have completed no road trips and have generally done nothing worthy of note, aside from hang out with people.

All those these people I may see less and less as the years pass. It would seem as if I am moving, possibly to Columbus. Not my ideal scenario, but it would be better than staying here in Cleveland again if I can't find a job. That is my biggest complaint with Cleveland, no jobs. I have made peace with how generally boring the city is, I even sort of like it, but life seems to have dealt me a different hand. Come next summer, I may be updating this blog from Columbus, hopefully with a job. The lack of a job is killing me, not being able to buy anything sucks so bad.

The summer hasn't been all bad though. I met some people who were cool and got to hang out with some that I already knew were cool, at least most of the time. One of my friends majorly played me tonight and it doesn't even seemed to have registered with them. It seem like blatant disrespect, but what am I going to do? Make a stink about it for a few days that will ultimately lead to nothing? Hell yea. Why not? I'm no doormat. Speak and be heard, that's how I live. It's not always the best path, but it works for me. But anyhow, before that tangent, I was talking about the summer. This summer hasn't really given me any material to work with to write in here. No drama, no action, just normal stuff. Perhaps that is better though.

I have really been sleeping my life away. While I should be packing. We all should. The fact that house will be empty in a month or two hasn't really hit anyone, because no one has done anything to pack stuff, move stuff, fix stuff or clean stuff. You would swear no major changes were gunna go down. It is a major change though. It hadn't really hit me at first, but moving is a big deal. So much of my life has happened here, countless memories. From good times, to bad times, to strange times, to lonely times. We are just leaving it all behind, it seems odd. I'll tell you what I will truly miss though, the downstairs shower. I will be damned if that is not the greatest shower on the planet. It had such great water pressure and all it had was a standard shower head. It sucks to have to leave it behind. To leave this bedroom of mine, where nothing has ever happened, if you know what I mean. Ha, but no. I have had good times chillin' in here with my friends. Whether nerding it up over runescape, or nerding it up over magic the gathering, we have done it all. Haha. Countless sleep overs.

So, I guess this is growing up. My mom is anxious to get up and out of here and I can't deny some part of me, too, is anxious to become my own person, to move on, to become an adult. But a larger part of me wants to stay here and have things taken care of and only have to worry about whats going on on Saturday night. I feel a burden of maturity hitting me, even now as I write this post. I suppose, maybe, I am not as okay with this move as I have been letting on, but what I am to do? Tell my mom to stay, to ruin her dream of being out on her own? Which in itself scares the shit out of me. I don't trust my mom to be alone, somebody should be with her and it has always been me. I don't know. I don't want to grow up anymore, I just want to be 17 again and not have any real worries, just who was going to drive me to the game this coming weekend. Now I have to think about stuff. Shit.

Well who knew that this blog would turn into such a revelation for myself? I wish I had more to say about current events or whatever, but I don't. These things scare the shit out of me. Money and all that is a legitimate concern. It must be nice to be rich, to never have a care in the world, although, then what do you work for? Do you even bother to work at all? Why am I going on a tangent about rich people? I have my own shit to worry about. Like millions of dollars in school loans, finding a house, and my mother going off on her own. That and the pressure of school and my impending career/adult life. Growing up was a bad idea. Hold on as long as you can kids.

Please sleep, my darling, sleep...

So...

I'm sitting here next to a playlist that will be played during a slideshow just following my cousin's memorial mass. At the young age of 22, my cousin has passed. A frigid reminder of the fragility of life.
I was woken up that day by my uncle practically in tears saying there was an accident, of course it could have been anyone, but my fit, young, and optimistic cousin? I would have never guessed. Seems he was lifting weights by himself and something went awry, then barbel ended up crushing his chest then rolling to his neck to cut off his air supply. My family remained optimistic, but being me I had already expected the worst. A few days later, maybe a week it came; my cousin had passed. Darkness swept into my house and I could imagine how my cousin's family must have felt, to have lost their youngest. I mean, apparently, a parent's ultimate fear is for their kid to go before them, but I assume losing the youngest has a little extra sting to it.

I went out for a walk with Mark anyway, I didn't want to stay in my house. For about a block I fought not to cry, but the conversation saved me from that. Which was good.

A few days later was my family reunion, it was smaller this year. Apparently, my uncle wasn't planning on coming anyway nor was my cousin but it seems weird that he couldn't. My cousin lived in yellow stone and I only saw him rarely so it almost seems unreal that he is dead. The last time I saw him was around Christmas '07, I think. I remember I had just come back from a basketball game and he was at my house reading a book. He was sort of quiet around the family so we didn't talk alot, I would have never thought that this good bye, if there was one, knowing me I was probably asleep, would be the last.

So, everyone. Appreciate life. It is way more fragile than it seems and apparently we young people are not invincible. Who knew? Certainly not this writer. The other thing is, appreciate your friends and family, you don't actually know how much time you have with them. Now that my cousin is gone, I wish I would have been able to talk to him more. I mean, I knew him and we got along, but we still didn't talk much. I never just thought to myself "I wonder how Cory is right now." Even with the internet, we barely talked later in his life, we got along really well when we were kids. He was so funny, I remember just waiting for anytime they could visit from Illinois. He was about as funny as they come.

So near the end of this month will be his memorial mass here in Euclid and back in Yellowstone National Park, his ashes will be spread from the top of a mountain. His brother says that what he had wanted. We over here don't exactly know how to feel about that, but we aren't going to question it.

But anyhow, life is short and fragile. We as users of life must appreciate it more than we do, live each day as our last because you literally never know. I'm sure my invincible 22 year old cousin never thought we would have any trouble even without a spotter.

Live.laugh.love
It's totally gay and corny, but at the same time true. Life is a gift we must appreciate while its still ours to have.

Take Me Home Country Road...

To a place where I belong.

Well if you know me, you know I don't live any where near a country road, but I was just looking for a good blog title.

So here I am. Back in the glorious, resplendent and refined 216. ha!

Its cool being here though, I still love this decaying city. I wish there were more jobs though for goodness sake. The job market in these parts is completely dry. That part sucks. Its nice being home though, in the familiarity. Where everybody knows your name.
College was cool though, quick, but cool. It really wasn't what I expected, perhaps I've watched to many movies. I expected a lot more chaos but after the first month or so I realized its just like a high school you live at. Nothing really new on the scene except, obviously, the atmosphere.
I'm not sure what all I should say on college, I mean there is so much. There was some really awesome people and some godawful people and those in between. Some people I came to know and love and it is a little strange not to have them around. There was some or maybe one person I liked especially more than others, but only one person figured that out all year, luckily it was the least threatening person I know. Anyhow, I'm not exactly sure why I just wrote that into a blog and you're probably thinking so why don't you just delete that? Pffft, that would make to much sense!

But now I am back. None of that really matters right now, the whole college scene is on pause. Except for the financial aid, oh God. Financial Aid. How I loathe the necessity of that office. I mean honestly just because the place is like a giant ass high school on 'roids that will allow we the students to get better jobs, shouldn't give them the right to vulgarly over charge. Oh and books? Don't even get me started on that bullshit. Books for $100 a shot, are you people out of your gourd? Does anyone know what it costs to print those pieces of shit? Pennies on the damned dollar.

Now I am just hanging out with my good old friends from my childhood. My grandma is like dying. My mom is going to have to move. I have no job and yeah. I guess this is the morbid section of this post. Honestly though, I'm bullshitting at this point and I don't like it so I am going to stop. This was to forced so take this post with a grain of salt. The first paragraphs are genuine but this last, ugh.

Just had to...

Well I hadn't written anything in a few days and I figured that I had better write something or else I'll lose the will to do and then forget about it all together

Anyhow, I haven't written because not much interesting has gone on as of late. It is already damn near the years end and it feels weird. I don't feel like anything is even about to happen yet I am about to leave essentially what has become my home. Going home will be cool, finally some real food, get to see my friends, drive my car around, know where I am, eat quality taco bell instead of the shit one they have down here. What will suck is not having anyone to hang out with constantly. At college, pretty much at any given time, some one is there to hang out with, at home though, not so.

The last couple of days have been alright, saw this one kid's architecture project, then stayed up all night to make sure he was awake in the morning for the review of his project. This eventually turned into me staying up for 28 hours, followed by 18 hours, a real feat I am told by my peers. But today was supposed to be amazing because this netbook I ordered was supposed to come in, but amazon can't do what they are supposed to so its not going to come in until later in the week, which sucks because I am really excited to play with it. Other than that, not much big has been going on. I should be and should have been studying for a little bit now. My finals are less than a week away, I am already feeling kind of stressed. I wish I was just done and out of here already, it was cool but I need my break.

The other thing is I am going home, but apparently I'm moving? I had this mentioned to me in passing the other day, which is weird. I don't know when maybe not even til after school starts up again but that'll be strange. I guess it is all because my grandma has to move and my mom doesn't want to take on the insurance payments, so I don't know. I mean I guess I am okay with it and everything, I won't be far at all, only down the street at my uncles, but still. But who knows! I am really worried about finances, as of yet, I cannot find a job and I don't know if I got any extra assistance for next year and didn't get the RA job, so there is a lot of pressure. I would be awful if I had to take like a year off or something to make money, but I feel like that is becoming something that may happen.

Ugh, so much to think about. College is such a stressor. Why does it got to be so god damn expensive? Are they really doing anything so much greater here than at highschool? It certainly doesn't feel like it, it feels exactly like highschool only we are supposed to read a lot more, which of course no one does. I'm really hoping not to get stuck in a quad again next year, that would be awful. Forcing four people to live together in an area this small should be illegal or something, it is just a breeding ground of illness and stress. The good news is I think I finally have my major and all that hammered out so at least I know what I'll be aiming for. The shitty part is I am doing poorly in the core class for my minor, that feels like a bad sign to me, but I don't know. We cover so much at once, I don't get it. I feel like we should cover less chapters at a time, but there isn't enough time. Thus the downfall of the quarter system.

Ummm, what else to say. I don't know. I think I've covered my general thoughts. So, yeah. Hopefully, I'll have something more interesting to rant about in the next installment.