listlessness

that is the one word i would use to characterize how i feel right now. no longer do i feel lost or depressed like i once did, but i do, however, still feel without direction. in multiple senses. in college, you wake up when you want, put on when you want, choose what route you want, show up when you want, with seemingly no consequences. you mayn't do as well as others with poor choices, but who cares we all get the same degree, right?
as of late, ive found all the people walking in all different directions on campus quite the physical embodiment of college itself. we are all who we choose to be, for the most part, and are all headed wherever we please. we are all headed there on our own paths, stopping where we want for lunch, meeting up with whoever and cutting off whoever. college has no direction unlike my last 12 years of education where i was neatly dressed and went from class to class til the days end where i went home and did my homework in preparation for the next day. now, however, i do whatever. its concerning to me. i have a hard time with motivation especially when i keep such a ridiculous schedule of sleeping, working and heading to class.
im involved with a couple things now and have a job and i think thats what is keeping me sane, keeping me tied down to something, keeping my mind from being free. total freedom for my mind is not the gift it may be for others for my mind always seems to wander over to the darkness of the world and reside there.
this post may convey the message that im depressed or anything else. im not really. im content, pleased if i may be so liberal to say so. just a little confused in this sea of possibilities as to what i actually want. i am no longer positive about my career in forensics being my lead interest. i just want to do something that makes me happy, not something glamorous, high paying, or prestigious. but, alas, we shall see where exactly this road takes me.
man, indeed, forges his own destiny, but im not exactly sure what path i should forge to arrive at what destination.

for now i swim in an ocean of possibilities, both free to do what i want, but at the same time overwhelmed with the very freedom placed in my hands.