Hello, hello. Is there anybody in there?

Hello once again internet,
Its been a while, I assume you have been well. I've been okay too.
We are now midway through the first week of classes here at The Ohio State University. My class schedule is well spread out, but at the same time is a busy one, especially with my job in there too.
My job is going pretty well. I told you I was getting a job, but don't think I really ever followed up on it.
I enjoy it, the people are cool, the work is easy, and we get tons of free food. Which I probably should not be eating, but whatevs.
I am currently taking four classes, they seem okay.

The biggest change this year is finally being off campus. I now live in a house with my old high school friend, Matt, my freshman year roommate, Joseph, and the veritable stranger, Nick.
We seem to all get along well. Everyone in the house is really chill, I think I am the most outspoken, which is typically not the case.
Tomorrow, I am heading to the University of Illinois for some service with the OSU/UI Greeks.
I joined a fraternity, by the way. I like the idea of it more than the actual practice.

I am losing interest with my own writing, so I am going to move onto something else, maybe homework.

listlessness

that is the one word i would use to characterize how i feel right now. no longer do i feel lost or depressed like i once did, but i do, however, still feel without direction. in multiple senses. in college, you wake up when you want, put on when you want, choose what route you want, show up when you want, with seemingly no consequences. you mayn't do as well as others with poor choices, but who cares we all get the same degree, right?
as of late, ive found all the people walking in all different directions on campus quite the physical embodiment of college itself. we are all who we choose to be, for the most part, and are all headed wherever we please. we are all headed there on our own paths, stopping where we want for lunch, meeting up with whoever and cutting off whoever. college has no direction unlike my last 12 years of education where i was neatly dressed and went from class to class til the days end where i went home and did my homework in preparation for the next day. now, however, i do whatever. its concerning to me. i have a hard time with motivation especially when i keep such a ridiculous schedule of sleeping, working and heading to class.
im involved with a couple things now and have a job and i think thats what is keeping me sane, keeping me tied down to something, keeping my mind from being free. total freedom for my mind is not the gift it may be for others for my mind always seems to wander over to the darkness of the world and reside there.
this post may convey the message that im depressed or anything else. im not really. im content, pleased if i may be so liberal to say so. just a little confused in this sea of possibilities as to what i actually want. i am no longer positive about my career in forensics being my lead interest. i just want to do something that makes me happy, not something glamorous, high paying, or prestigious. but, alas, we shall see where exactly this road takes me.
man, indeed, forges his own destiny, but im not exactly sure what path i should forge to arrive at what destination.

for now i swim in an ocean of possibilities, both free to do what i want, but at the same time overwhelmed with the very freedom placed in my hands.

and I'm so sorry, I cannot sleep, cannot dream tonight

So finally, I have employment.
It only takes months of searching and endless application peppered with interruptions by school and my life.
But the good Lord has finally smiled upon and granted me a job.
I'm optimistic, hoping I'll enjoy it. Its at the student union, so that's cool.
It will at least help me start off the new year better. A new year, time to put the past behind me.
As this has been one of the roughest years of my life. I feel like I have nothing to complain about and like the world was ripped from my hands all at once. This year things were quite shaken up.
I lost a cousin, which wasn't so bad on me, he was so distant, but he was pretty cool all the same.
For my uncle and cousins, I can't imagine how they feel.
The real drama for me has been the lose of my grandmother. Loss is never easy for anyone, especially with their sweet grandparents, but mine was especially bitter.
She was a woman I lived with for at least 16 years of my life and that I took for granted nearly every day.

I was hardly ever as respectful as I should've been and was told this often by my family who I never paid any mind to, I just kept treating her the same. I'm so sorry for this now, she deserved the opposite of how I treated her. She pretty much allowed me to have the life I had.
No one wanted my mom to live with my grandma and mooch off her for years, but we did. She never would of had it any other way. She made my life. Her and my mom.
They've done so much for me that I've taken for granted. Now that my grandma is gone, I can't believe how much I miss her. Bursts of emotion hit me at off hand moments and I have to fight off tears. Like now, but I'm losing the fight. If she can see this, I'm sorry for how I was, so disrespectful and unappreciative of all you gave me...a crack at a fair and good life, a life my mom could never afford. Thank you so much and I'm sorry that I wasn't there more. You were a god send and I never realized it.
I miss you.

I worry about my mom all the time now, I would just crack if anything happened to her.
I nearly cracked near the of last year, I was ready to run. I was looking up ticket prices to get to Florida, I wanted out. A small part of me still does, out of where and to where, I don't know but just a change. A huge change if I could.
But, I can't. This is the life I have and there is nothing I can do but bear it and attempt to enjoy the good stuff and swallow the bad the best that I can.
Being ripped from my lovely home on 271st was also hard on me. I feel like such a floater, with no real place to go. Half my family is back home, my mom is in West Virginia.
Everything is just crazy. Although, it always has been. What has ever made sense?
Nothing I suppose, but it seemed to. It was awful and beautiful, sane and lunacy.
I miss it.
I miss my home, I miss my family and seeing people every day.
I miss the structure of life and having dinner with my family.
I miss my grandmother and how we used to play when I was young.
I fear for my mother and her future and our future as a family.
Everyone is to easily at odds and I wish it didn't have to be that way, they want to fight over nothing.

I really don't know where I am going with this, but I needed to write something.
Its lingered over me for a while.

I sit here, alone, in my dorm and feel alone, not only physically but deeper. I feel a certain lacking and an amount of disconnect. The winter only exacerbates these feelings of being cut off.
Everyone is so far away and the weather keeps them there.
The internet is the only one who can hear my thoughts because they're too deep to tell anyone else like I am now.
I reveal a little at a time to people, but this is the whole story, whether you realize it or not.
I wish I had a little lady to tell my stuff to, I wish I had someone to be with when my emotions get to hard for me to handle. I don't know how to get to that person though, but out there she may be. I talk to girls a little at a time, sometimes hoping something will come of it, but never knowing.
People want to push me into things, and so does the world, with all of us, but I want them to happen naturally. I just want to meet someone and understand them and them understand me, then go some where with them. I don't want to meet someone then attempt to awkwardly forge a relationship out of it.

One of the last things my grandmother said to me before I left to go back to school was that I never listen. She was talking about the fact that I don't listen to her when I go outside unprepared for the weather and then get a cough, but maybe there is more to that.
I don't listen and I listen to myself. I, honestly, do not know how to do otherwise.
Maybe if I gave the world a chance, I would be somewhere else.
Perhaps not, I really don't know.