and I'm so sorry, I cannot sleep, cannot dream tonight

So finally, I have employment.
It only takes months of searching and endless application peppered with interruptions by school and my life.
But the good Lord has finally smiled upon and granted me a job.
I'm optimistic, hoping I'll enjoy it. Its at the student union, so that's cool.
It will at least help me start off the new year better. A new year, time to put the past behind me.
As this has been one of the roughest years of my life. I feel like I have nothing to complain about and like the world was ripped from my hands all at once. This year things were quite shaken up.
I lost a cousin, which wasn't so bad on me, he was so distant, but he was pretty cool all the same.
For my uncle and cousins, I can't imagine how they feel.
The real drama for me has been the lose of my grandmother. Loss is never easy for anyone, especially with their sweet grandparents, but mine was especially bitter.
She was a woman I lived with for at least 16 years of my life and that I took for granted nearly every day.

I was hardly ever as respectful as I should've been and was told this often by my family who I never paid any mind to, I just kept treating her the same. I'm so sorry for this now, she deserved the opposite of how I treated her. She pretty much allowed me to have the life I had.
No one wanted my mom to live with my grandma and mooch off her for years, but we did. She never would of had it any other way. She made my life. Her and my mom.
They've done so much for me that I've taken for granted. Now that my grandma is gone, I can't believe how much I miss her. Bursts of emotion hit me at off hand moments and I have to fight off tears. Like now, but I'm losing the fight. If she can see this, I'm sorry for how I was, so disrespectful and unappreciative of all you gave me...a crack at a fair and good life, a life my mom could never afford. Thank you so much and I'm sorry that I wasn't there more. You were a god send and I never realized it.
I miss you.

I worry about my mom all the time now, I would just crack if anything happened to her.
I nearly cracked near the of last year, I was ready to run. I was looking up ticket prices to get to Florida, I wanted out. A small part of me still does, out of where and to where, I don't know but just a change. A huge change if I could.
But, I can't. This is the life I have and there is nothing I can do but bear it and attempt to enjoy the good stuff and swallow the bad the best that I can.
Being ripped from my lovely home on 271st was also hard on me. I feel like such a floater, with no real place to go. Half my family is back home, my mom is in West Virginia.
Everything is just crazy. Although, it always has been. What has ever made sense?
Nothing I suppose, but it seemed to. It was awful and beautiful, sane and lunacy.
I miss it.
I miss my home, I miss my family and seeing people every day.
I miss the structure of life and having dinner with my family.
I miss my grandmother and how we used to play when I was young.
I fear for my mother and her future and our future as a family.
Everyone is to easily at odds and I wish it didn't have to be that way, they want to fight over nothing.

I really don't know where I am going with this, but I needed to write something.
Its lingered over me for a while.

I sit here, alone, in my dorm and feel alone, not only physically but deeper. I feel a certain lacking and an amount of disconnect. The winter only exacerbates these feelings of being cut off.
Everyone is so far away and the weather keeps them there.
The internet is the only one who can hear my thoughts because they're too deep to tell anyone else like I am now.
I reveal a little at a time to people, but this is the whole story, whether you realize it or not.
I wish I had a little lady to tell my stuff to, I wish I had someone to be with when my emotions get to hard for me to handle. I don't know how to get to that person though, but out there she may be. I talk to girls a little at a time, sometimes hoping something will come of it, but never knowing.
People want to push me into things, and so does the world, with all of us, but I want them to happen naturally. I just want to meet someone and understand them and them understand me, then go some where with them. I don't want to meet someone then attempt to awkwardly forge a relationship out of it.

One of the last things my grandmother said to me before I left to go back to school was that I never listen. She was talking about the fact that I don't listen to her when I go outside unprepared for the weather and then get a cough, but maybe there is more to that.
I don't listen and I listen to myself. I, honestly, do not know how to do otherwise.
Maybe if I gave the world a chance, I would be somewhere else.
Perhaps not, I really don't know.